Um, some quick Viz-style top tips before I drag myself out of some jet-lag squared malaise and try to face the world, or at least New Jersey.
Top Tip 1
Spendthrifts, too cheap to pay for museum entrance? Then why not pay a visit to the museum shop (usually not something you have to pay for entry to). You can browse through the postcards and posters of all the artworks inside without having to pay a penny. Thus you get to see all the same art without any of the expense. Plus they're all in one place instead of making you traipse around interminable corridors, and you get to see the fanciest architecture (the entry hall) of the museum.
Top Tip 2
Spendthrifts (again), want a nice holiday but still want to save on paying for entry to castles, museums, palaces etc.? Then why not visit somewhere that you've been before. As you walk around the streets of the city, then all the happy memories of your previous trip will come flooding back, reminding you of all the fancy buildings and sights, without actually having to lay out to see them.
20030920
20030917
No one else on SNAFU seems to be updating much, so some stuff thats been buzzing round my head for the last couple of days all the way from .hu
50 Cent Off
Was hanging round JFK waiting for my flight, when what I can only describe as an entourage went past: a bunch of guys, a couple of cops, and a general flutter of interest from the nearby passengers. I asked one of the security people what was going on as they suspiciously eyed my trainers (which are falling to bits and so have big holes in them, although that just makes it more diffuicult to hide bombs in them, since they'd just fall out). Turns out it was famous wrapper, 50 Cent. You know, he of "Go shorty, it's your birthday, gonna party like it's your birthday'. A bit mean not to party like it's someone's birthday when it is, unless the whole song is about an elaborate scam to take advantage of free drinks offers when it's someone's birthday, but usually they ask for some ID for that, but anyway...
(my brother assures me that "shorty" is now a general term of affection for any woman or specifically a girlfriend, but I'd like to see the etymology of that one).
Anyway, he seemed to get through the metal detectors all right, so I guess he wasn't packing a weapon. (Um, although if you do want to take a gun with you to an airport, apparently it is all right if you are "packing it" in your suitcase. Apparently that's all right. Odd). He does have something of a reputation for getting into a strop and shooting people or getting shot at. Perhaps he should change his name to reflect this, to something like Temper Cent.
Speaking of which, it turns out that 50 Cent is the going rate for spending a penny in the Eurozone, or Amsterdam at least. You may ask why I was in Amsterdam when I was supposed to be getting a direct flight to Hungary, and in fact a similar question was going through my mind at the time. Turns out that Malev Airlines cancelled my flight (here's a tip, kids: never trust any organisation which begins with the prefix "Mal-"), and didn't bother to tell anyone. So they took my fancy, secure ticket, filled out a bit of paper by hand, and sent me via Amsterdam on KLM. Very weird.
In some sense this worked out in my favour, since I've been to Budapest before, whereas I've not seen any of Amsterdam, so I got to spend a full afternoon there wondering around the city looking at the canals before heading back to catch the connecting flight in the evening. Still a very weird experience to be a tourist in a city you had no idea about visiting 12 hours before hand. It was also the first time I got to spend Euros, despite the fact that they've been out for ages (almost two years, I thought it was longer but that was just Euro credit cards and bank accounts and stuff). I felt very European for the day, but I think what that means is just that most of the signs were in English, and everyone spoke English, so I didn't have to worry about the language. Which makes things a lot easier as a tourist.
It being Amsterdam, I had to make sure I visited one of their notorious coffeeshops, although generally that stuff makes me feel nauseous and unwell, so I had a cup of tea instead. No idea why, since they both have caffeine in, but for some reason coffee affects me much more. I also saw only one hen party, looking distinctly quiet as they floated down the river. This I suppose is the advantage of visiting on Sunday afternoon instead of Saturday night.
I finally got to Budapest, gave my talk yesterday, and have spent most of the rest of the time feeling generally jet-lagged and tired. I'm not going to make too much effort to adjust, since I'll be flying back on Friday, provided the airline doesn't screw up again and the impending hurricane has cleared out of the way. I once thought about what it would be like to be continually travelling, since they feed you on flights, and you can get some sleep on planes and in airports. I think basically it would be pretty awful, and you'd end up in some bizarre sleep deprived semi-conscious state the whole time.
But anyway, I should go -- I'm typing this in an internet cafe, which seem to be very popular round here, and my time is almost up. The prices are pretty reasonable though. In fact, the whole time I've been here writing this, and it's only cost me the equivalent of 50 cents. Speaking of which...
50 Cent Off
Was hanging round JFK waiting for my flight, when what I can only describe as an entourage went past: a bunch of guys, a couple of cops, and a general flutter of interest from the nearby passengers. I asked one of the security people what was going on as they suspiciously eyed my trainers (which are falling to bits and so have big holes in them, although that just makes it more diffuicult to hide bombs in them, since they'd just fall out). Turns out it was famous wrapper, 50 Cent. You know, he of "Go shorty, it's your birthday, gonna party like it's your birthday'. A bit mean not to party like it's someone's birthday when it is, unless the whole song is about an elaborate scam to take advantage of free drinks offers when it's someone's birthday, but usually they ask for some ID for that, but anyway...
(my brother assures me that "shorty" is now a general term of affection for any woman or specifically a girlfriend, but I'd like to see the etymology of that one).
Anyway, he seemed to get through the metal detectors all right, so I guess he wasn't packing a weapon. (Um, although if you do want to take a gun with you to an airport, apparently it is all right if you are "packing it" in your suitcase. Apparently that's all right. Odd). He does have something of a reputation for getting into a strop and shooting people or getting shot at. Perhaps he should change his name to reflect this, to something like Temper Cent.
Speaking of which, it turns out that 50 Cent is the going rate for spending a penny in the Eurozone, or Amsterdam at least. You may ask why I was in Amsterdam when I was supposed to be getting a direct flight to Hungary, and in fact a similar question was going through my mind at the time. Turns out that Malev Airlines cancelled my flight (here's a tip, kids: never trust any organisation which begins with the prefix "Mal-"), and didn't bother to tell anyone. So they took my fancy, secure ticket, filled out a bit of paper by hand, and sent me via Amsterdam on KLM. Very weird.
In some sense this worked out in my favour, since I've been to Budapest before, whereas I've not seen any of Amsterdam, so I got to spend a full afternoon there wondering around the city looking at the canals before heading back to catch the connecting flight in the evening. Still a very weird experience to be a tourist in a city you had no idea about visiting 12 hours before hand. It was also the first time I got to spend Euros, despite the fact that they've been out for ages (almost two years, I thought it was longer but that was just Euro credit cards and bank accounts and stuff). I felt very European for the day, but I think what that means is just that most of the signs were in English, and everyone spoke English, so I didn't have to worry about the language. Which makes things a lot easier as a tourist.
It being Amsterdam, I had to make sure I visited one of their notorious coffeeshops, although generally that stuff makes me feel nauseous and unwell, so I had a cup of tea instead. No idea why, since they both have caffeine in, but for some reason coffee affects me much more. I also saw only one hen party, looking distinctly quiet as they floated down the river. This I suppose is the advantage of visiting on Sunday afternoon instead of Saturday night.
I finally got to Budapest, gave my talk yesterday, and have spent most of the rest of the time feeling generally jet-lagged and tired. I'm not going to make too much effort to adjust, since I'll be flying back on Friday, provided the airline doesn't screw up again and the impending hurricane has cleared out of the way. I once thought about what it would be like to be continually travelling, since they feed you on flights, and you can get some sleep on planes and in airports. I think basically it would be pretty awful, and you'd end up in some bizarre sleep deprived semi-conscious state the whole time.
But anyway, I should go -- I'm typing this in an internet cafe, which seem to be very popular round here, and my time is almost up. The prices are pretty reasonable though. In fact, the whole time I've been here writing this, and it's only cost me the equivalent of 50 cents. Speaking of which...
20030913
Am off to Hungary for a week, hence the gap in service will be because of physical distance from convenient internet rather than continual and insistent laziness or death.
I'm not normally one for reposting links seen on other people's blogs, but I was quite taken with this effort to do one of those photo mosaics of George Bush using pictures of rectums (recta?) . Partly I liked it because I think there's some kind of subtle hidden message here (haven't quite worked it out yet), but mostly because you have to have some respect for the poor individual who must have spent hours sifting through the internet and cutting and pasting pictures of bottoms to the correct dimensions. More power to your, er, elbow, sir.
I'm not normally one for reposting links seen on other people's blogs, but I was quite taken with this effort to do one of those photo mosaics of George Bush using pictures of rectums (recta?) . Partly I liked it because I think there's some kind of subtle hidden message here (haven't quite worked it out yet), but mostly because you have to have some respect for the poor individual who must have spent hours sifting through the internet and cutting and pasting pictures of bottoms to the correct dimensions. More power to your, er, elbow, sir.
20030911
Things that are slightly annoying but not very:
Holding the lift for someone, when it turns out that they only want to go up one floor.
Look, if you take the lift to go up (or worse, down) one floor, then you are incredibly lazy. Unless you are on your feet the whole day, roaming from floor to floor in order to keep society functioning as we know it, then you don't need to use the lift to go one floor. You could use the stairs (the one over there, right next to the lift), it would be quicker and you'd even get a bit of exercise.
I personally don't think you should use the lift for going down fewer than a couple of floors, but I think that's more of a personal preference thing.
See also: driving to the park so that you can go for a walk; running machines and exercise bikes; drive-thru fast food restaurants; the United States of America.
Holding the lift for someone, when it turns out that they only want to go up one floor.
Look, if you take the lift to go up (or worse, down) one floor, then you are incredibly lazy. Unless you are on your feet the whole day, roaming from floor to floor in order to keep society functioning as we know it, then you don't need to use the lift to go one floor. You could use the stairs (the one over there, right next to the lift), it would be quicker and you'd even get a bit of exercise.
I personally don't think you should use the lift for going down fewer than a couple of floors, but I think that's more of a personal preference thing.
See also: driving to the park so that you can go for a walk; running machines and exercise bikes; drive-thru fast food restaurants; the United States of America.
I watched Starship Troopers again this week. This is about the third or fourth time I've seen it, and the depth of the satire becomes more apparent with every viewing. Let me briefly summarize the storyline:
Two cultures, both of which do not really understand the other, stand opposed. Then an act of terrorism by one side, launching a large object from the sky to cause much death and destruction causes the other side to launch into a permanent state of war. A drastically right wing, pro-military goverment is in power, and will not rest until the other side is completely annihiliated. They launch an all-out attack on the on the homeland of the other culture, a mostly barren-looking desert wasteland. However, they underestimate the determination and size of the enemies army, and are beaten back despite posessing superior weaponry and technology. The climax of the film is an attack on the base of the enemy leader in an attempt to capture him, through the maze of underground tunnels in which the warriors are hiding.
What's particularly noticeable about this film is that by the end, Neil Patrick Harris (Doogie Howser, and he's never going to escape that tag) is essentially dressed as a gestapo officer, and the uniforms of other characters are pretty much those of nazi stormtroopers. The message of director Paul Verhoven couldn't really be much clearer. Yet still there are people who don't get what this film is about. But then, there are people who think that the Matrix is a deep and insightful film raising significant philosophical issues, so what can you do?
Two cultures, both of which do not really understand the other, stand opposed. Then an act of terrorism by one side, launching a large object from the sky to cause much death and destruction causes the other side to launch into a permanent state of war. A drastically right wing, pro-military goverment is in power, and will not rest until the other side is completely annihiliated. They launch an all-out attack on the on the homeland of the other culture, a mostly barren-looking desert wasteland. However, they underestimate the determination and size of the enemies army, and are beaten back despite posessing superior weaponry and technology. The climax of the film is an attack on the base of the enemy leader in an attempt to capture him, through the maze of underground tunnels in which the warriors are hiding.
What's particularly noticeable about this film is that by the end, Neil Patrick Harris (Doogie Howser, and he's never going to escape that tag) is essentially dressed as a gestapo officer, and the uniforms of other characters are pretty much those of nazi stormtroopers. The message of director Paul Verhoven couldn't really be much clearer. Yet still there are people who don't get what this film is about. But then, there are people who think that the Matrix is a deep and insightful film raising significant philosophical issues, so what can you do?
20030905
I seem to be suffering from a form of blogstipation: I sit down at the keyboard and strain and strain, but nothing comes out. Don't worry, it probably won't last long. I'm sure that quite soon I'll feel a sudden quickening, and have to rush here in order to let loose a solid stream of... consciousness. Or something.
Anyway, new lolly stick joke. And I got this one before sucking it off, although it's still rubbish.
When do you have feet on your face?
When they're crow's feet.
Which is not so much a joke, more of a crossword clue. Other acceptable answers would have been, "When you are involved in a brawl with a bunch of semi-professional sports players in a large town in the Midlands after kicking out time on a Friday night", and "When you have some feet on your face".
Anyway, new lolly stick joke. And I got this one before sucking it off, although it's still rubbish.
When do you have feet on your face?
When they're crow's feet.
Which is not so much a joke, more of a crossword clue. Other acceptable answers would have been, "When you are involved in a brawl with a bunch of semi-professional sports players in a large town in the Midlands after kicking out time on a Friday night", and "When you have some feet on your face".
20030903
In the course of talking about their son, accused of creating a variant of the blaster worm which infected a couple of thousand computers, his parents were quoted as saying:
"My son is not brilliant; he's not a genius," Rita Parson said. "Anyone that has any computer knowledge could have done what Jeff did. It doesn't take a level of genius to do this."
Oh, well that's all right then. Good thing he's not a genius. Because if he was, well, then they should lock him up and throw away the key. But if anybody could have done it, then it can't be a crime, can it?
"My son is not brilliant; he's not a genius," Rita Parson said. "Anyone that has any computer knowledge could have done what Jeff did. It doesn't take a level of genius to do this."
Oh, well that's all right then. Good thing he's not a genius. Because if he was, well, then they should lock him up and throw away the key. But if anybody could have done it, then it can't be a crime, can it?
20030902
Hi, I have been receiving emails saying that I'm contributing to the "moral decay of society" by writing this tedious W E B L O G. That may be, but I feel Strongly that you have a right to benefit from this hard-to-find information. So I am giving you one last chance to read the Boring W E B L O G! With this powerful W E B L O G, you will be able to investigate your friends, enemies and lovers in just minutes using the Internet by going to google and typing their names in. You can track down old flames from college, or you can dig up some dirt on your boss to make sure you get that next promotion via his embarassing usenet posts! Why are they so upset? Because this W E B L O G gives you freedom on an irregular basis when I remember to update it. And you can't buy freedom at your local Walmart (although you can buy poptarts). You will have the freedom to avoid creditors, judgments, lawsuits, IRS taxcollectors, criminal indictments, your greedy ex-wife or ex-husband, and much more! No, really.
20030827
Referrerlogtrawl!
Yes, another quick spin through the excitement of my bizarre search query hits. These include such gems as:
That's all for now. Keep sending in those wacky search terms that bring you to this site, because who knows, you could win a prize (it could happen. Just not a prize from me)
Yes, another quick spin through the excitement of my bizarre search query hits. These include such gems as:
- sex bloggs - more internet pervs who can't spell
- lolly stick jokes - I am a world authority on the question of the lolly stick joke
- diggerworld uk kids - those uk kids just can't get enough of those crazy jcb diggers!
- vivian darkbloom - don't know whether they were looking for nabokov or xena warrior princess porn
- bands formed from other bands - oh, I'm not so good at this kind of trivia. You could try Cream, I suppose, or Wings, or that kind of thing. Why not ask an expert?
- air steward advert delivery - bizarre freak what the hell are you on about?
- edward norton%27s hair - see above comment
- harry potter chambers of secret video file size - I have an algorithm which guarantees to compress any file down to half the size. And the great thing is, you can run it on the output, and keep crushing it down until it fits on a floppy disk! No more need for expensive CD-Rs! (NB floppy disks are now more expensive than CD-Rs)
- clayderman windows media - you what?
- juemilia video - who?
- weirdest google search - this is almost ironic, that "weirdest google search" is actually a really quite mundane query to pose
- google bloggs - learn to spell
- dervla kerwin pickup - I do hope that this is a reference to "A Dance To the Music of Time" and not another pathetic internet stalker... Also note, that I should have spelt it Kirwan. Sorry. Take this as your online Corrie and Clarrie
- lolly alf - not 'alf!
- blow the bloody doors off joke - Oi!
- shrek words - weak, lame, green, tedious, eddie, murphy, mike, boring, myers, unnecessary, sequel - that should do you.
- diggerworld day out uk - can't be beaten!
- weird painted mini coopers - pervert
- time travelling in trucalling - don't try it kids! You'll only end up sleeping with your own grandparents and getting into all kinds of hilarious awkward situations and paradoxes!
- bloggs iraq - blogg off
- diggerworld england - perhaps the finest theme park in the world, let alone England
- diggerworld. com - They don't .com any better. Although you probably want Diggerland.com
- jokes lolly stick - In theory, brilliant. In practice, crap.
- globeblog - I think you just made that word up.
- bloggs diary - nosy parker
- second hand j.c.b diggers - fell off the back of a, er, enormous flatbed truck?
- fred bloggs - that's me!
- jcb strood - Strood, where, amongst other things, you can find the delights of Diggerland!
- bloggs on sex - Sounds like a hard-hitting investigative journalism show on ITV at about 11pm on a wednesday.
- julianna hatfield bands - this year's latest must-have fashion accessory.
- geek webring - World's smallest webring! Click here for the next site in the ring!
- britney spears oui magazine - you'll be lucky.
- shrek fiona nude - filth! And for that matter... why?
- tony shaloub as monk quotes - How about "Oi! you were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!"
- alan cumming%27s marital status - um. Take a wild guess, sweetheart.
- harvey birdman episode summary - quite funny.
- faircall - fair cough
That's all for now. Keep sending in those wacky search terms that bring you to this site, because who knows, you could win a prize (it could happen. Just not a prize from me)
20030826
Just a last post to point out that I thought I had exhausted the lolly stick jokes, since the last couple of lollies in the packet all had the same jokes on them. But, joy of joys, although the first joke in the new pack was another repeat, there was an original joke on the second stick. I ran some statistics on this data (a combination of the coupon collector problem and the birthday paradox, stats trivia fans), and my conclusion is that there are one or two more jokes that I haven't seen yet, but that it may take another half dozen or so packets before I can expect to have seen them all. Sigh. Well, they had better be worth the wait, since this new one was rubbish. It went:
Why did the bird go to the theatre?
So it could wait in the wings.
Now, think about this. Why do people normally go to the theatre? Well, to see a play or something, I expect. You can't actually go and wait in the wings. They chuck you out, even if you have a ticket. And I know the pun is supposed to be something to do with the fact that birds have wings, but it still doesn't work in any remotely sensible way: it's like saying "Why did the man enter the two part running race? So he could take part in both legs" Because a man has two legs, and so does the race. Ha ha. Get it? It's completely meaningless. What is the damn point of writing idiot jokes like this if, after you've sucked it off and got sticky juices running down your chin then, all you get is a strange sense of disappointment and revulsion. Which gives me an idea for a joke:
Why is collecting lolly stick jokes like being a male prostitute?
I'll let you fill in the punchline yourself, but meantime, why not rush out and buy Lolly Woe by Anna Perera, quite possibly the only novel which features lolly sticks in a starring role. It gets 4 stars on amazon, so it must be good.
Why did the bird go to the theatre?
So it could wait in the wings.
Now, think about this. Why do people normally go to the theatre? Well, to see a play or something, I expect. You can't actually go and wait in the wings. They chuck you out, even if you have a ticket. And I know the pun is supposed to be something to do with the fact that birds have wings, but it still doesn't work in any remotely sensible way: it's like saying "Why did the man enter the two part running race? So he could take part in both legs" Because a man has two legs, and so does the race. Ha ha. Get it? It's completely meaningless. What is the damn point of writing idiot jokes like this if, after you've sucked it off and got sticky juices running down your chin then, all you get is a strange sense of disappointment and revulsion. Which gives me an idea for a joke:
Why is collecting lolly stick jokes like being a male prostitute?
I'll let you fill in the punchline yourself, but meantime, why not rush out and buy Lolly Woe by Anna Perera, quite possibly the only novel which features lolly sticks in a starring role. It gets 4 stars on amazon, so it must be good.
I was in one of those ex-trendy clothing shops in town at the weekend. You know, the ones with the six hundred varieties of jumper that all look absolutely identical. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that there were a bunch of peculiar little stalls set amongst the khaki jeans, from which a bunch of adorable cockerney stereotypes were vending fruit and vegatables. I was most perplexed by this unexpected sighting, and when I turned to look again, they had disappeared again. I mentioned this incident to veteran Newsround anchor, John Craven, who explained to me, "It sounds like you have spotted a market in The Gap". Goodnight all.
Good news everyone! I've found out where diggerworld is (this is perhaps also of use for the 15 or so poor misguided fools who have made "diggerworld" the top search term for this non-blog. It's actually called diggerland, and you can find it on the interweb at diggerland.com. It is quite possibly the best theme park ever, and the great news is, there isn't just the one in Kent, there's actually three all over Britain, ensuring that you are never more than half a day's car journey from your closest diggerland! Unfortunately, there isn't much information on the website about what there actually is there, but take a look at the postcards to get some idea of the rides and excitement that you can get there when you visit. I would go this weekend, but I'm in America at the moment. No, never mind! I'll book a flight over right now so I can go this weekend anyway. It'll be great!
When I was younger, I was such a fool. In the classroom where we did English there was a poster saying "Kissing a smoker is like kissing an ashtray". And so one day I tried kissing an ashtray, because I wanted to know what it would be like to kiss someone.
Of course, I'm not so naive anymore. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just off to take a bath with my socks on.
Of course, I'm not so naive anymore. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just off to take a bath with my socks on.
20030819
20030817
Extension plugs
I have an extension plug here (you know, one that lets you stick a couple of devices into one electrical outlet. It looks roughly like this:
Two prongs, since most plugs round here don't have earth connections. Now, carefully, one prong is longer than the other, in order to avoid getting the thing in the wrong around. But, can you spot anything wrong with the way that this plug is designed? Think about obvious failure modes.
Yes, it's possible to plug something in the wrong way round using two adjacent slots. I have no idea what effect this has, but I've got rather attached to having uninterrupted power, and I'd like to keep it that way, so I'm not experimenting.
In other news: although you may have been advised to boil your water before consuming it, you are allowed to let it cool down from boiling before decanting it into a plastic bottle to put into the fridge so that you can enjoy cool water later that day. That is all.
I have an extension plug here (you know, one that lets you stick a couple of devices into one electrical outlet. It looks roughly like this:
======
----
======
----
======
----
Two prongs, since most plugs round here don't have earth connections. Now, carefully, one prong is longer than the other, in order to avoid getting the thing in the wrong around. But, can you spot anything wrong with the way that this plug is designed? Think about obvious failure modes.
Yes, it's possible to plug something in the wrong way round using two adjacent slots. I have no idea what effect this has, but I've got rather attached to having uninterrupted power, and I'd like to keep it that way, so I'm not experimenting.
In other news: although you may have been advised to boil your water before consuming it, you are allowed to let it cool down from boiling before decanting it into a plastic bottle to put into the fridge so that you can enjoy cool water later that day. That is all.
Many thanks to everyone who wrote in to ask whether I had been knocked off the net by the great Eastern Seaboad Powercut (as opposed to a Seeboard Power cut). Actually, no one wrote to me, but as it happens I was almost entirely by the powercut, to the extent that I didn't even have to go around and reset any clocks, although an unattended computer did reboot. Thanks for your concern.
Robert Eger Hates The Movies -- American Wedding
Sometimes this job is just too easy.
What we can only hope is the last in the "American... " series, American Wedding completes the trilogy begun with American Pie and American Beauty. I hadn't seen the first two movies, but that didn't stop me trying to claw my way out of the cinema before the end of the first scene.
As far as I can work out, this film is supposed to be a comedy. Unfortunately, there's only about one funny line and one mildly amusing scene. The rest consists of the sole named writer trying to construct humour out of supposedly hilarious situations. This is farce written by an arse. Isolated scenes which have no bearing on each other attempt to engineer awkward situations for the protagonist to be embarassed in. Inevitably, these fail to amuse, and instead just peter out when the potential for 'hilarious' misunderstandings have run out.
I'm not opposed to farce and broad humour; a well-crafted nob gag is possibly the finest thing that human civilisation has yet produced. But what the producers don't seem to realize is that you can't just toss off a nob gag. You have to take your nob-gag in hand, mould it into shape; you have to polish your nob gag if you want it to come to anything. Otherwise, it is just sucky. And this movie is filled with sucky nob gags. Several of these occur in a scene where Alyson Hanigan is supposedly fellating the lead character (I forget his name) under a table while he has a conversation. A perfect opportunity for a plethora of well-honed double entendres, but through pacing and delivery, these all fall flat. When Hanigan re-emerges, there are ample opportunities for a legion of spunk jokes, but none come forth. Oh well, one swallow does not a summer blockbuster make, but it would have helped. In fact, Hanigan doesn't seem to be trying very hard. She plays her character with a bored insouciance, identically to the radically different character of Willow. So much for range.
There are a couple of other characters. There's a guy called Stifler, played by someone who seems to think he's Jim Carey. Quite why is unclear, since Jim Carey is incredibly annoying, and a twentysomething Jim Carey wannabe is even more so. There's Finch, who is about the only character in the movie you don't end up despising, and then a third friend who doesn't actually seem to have any lines or role, which leaves you wondering why they bothered.
Here's a quick test: do the concepts of sex, shit, private parts and bestiality make you roll around on the floor gurgling in amusement as you lose bladder control without any need for context, purpose or reason? If so, then you might think that this film is all right. But I'm never going to the movies with you even if you are wearing the rubber pants.
Three thumbs, way down.
Robert Eger Hates The Movies -- American Wedding
Sometimes this job is just too easy.
What we can only hope is the last in the "American... " series, American Wedding completes the trilogy begun with American Pie and American Beauty. I hadn't seen the first two movies, but that didn't stop me trying to claw my way out of the cinema before the end of the first scene.
As far as I can work out, this film is supposed to be a comedy. Unfortunately, there's only about one funny line and one mildly amusing scene. The rest consists of the sole named writer trying to construct humour out of supposedly hilarious situations. This is farce written by an arse. Isolated scenes which have no bearing on each other attempt to engineer awkward situations for the protagonist to be embarassed in. Inevitably, these fail to amuse, and instead just peter out when the potential for 'hilarious' misunderstandings have run out.
I'm not opposed to farce and broad humour; a well-crafted nob gag is possibly the finest thing that human civilisation has yet produced. But what the producers don't seem to realize is that you can't just toss off a nob gag. You have to take your nob-gag in hand, mould it into shape; you have to polish your nob gag if you want it to come to anything. Otherwise, it is just sucky. And this movie is filled with sucky nob gags. Several of these occur in a scene where Alyson Hanigan is supposedly fellating the lead character (I forget his name) under a table while he has a conversation. A perfect opportunity for a plethora of well-honed double entendres, but through pacing and delivery, these all fall flat. When Hanigan re-emerges, there are ample opportunities for a legion of spunk jokes, but none come forth. Oh well, one swallow does not a summer blockbuster make, but it would have helped. In fact, Hanigan doesn't seem to be trying very hard. She plays her character with a bored insouciance, identically to the radically different character of Willow. So much for range.
There are a couple of other characters. There's a guy called Stifler, played by someone who seems to think he's Jim Carey. Quite why is unclear, since Jim Carey is incredibly annoying, and a twentysomething Jim Carey wannabe is even more so. There's Finch, who is about the only character in the movie you don't end up despising, and then a third friend who doesn't actually seem to have any lines or role, which leaves you wondering why they bothered.
Here's a quick test: do the concepts of sex, shit, private parts and bestiality make you roll around on the floor gurgling in amusement as you lose bladder control without any need for context, purpose or reason? If so, then you might think that this film is all right. But I'm never going to the movies with you even if you are wearing the rubber pants.
Three thumbs, way down.
20030814
Lyrics corner
Maggie May by Rod Stewart
I suppose I could collect my books and go on back to school
Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living at playing pool
I wonder if the second line is supposed to be a pun -- "I took my father's cue, and became a pool player"
Live and Let Die by Paul McCartney
For some reason, I always hear one of the lines as "And in this ever changing world in which we live in". Which seems to have about three times as many 'in's in it as it needs 'in's in it.
Maggie May by Rod Stewart
I suppose I could collect my books and go on back to school
Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living at playing pool
I wonder if the second line is supposed to be a pun -- "I took my father's cue, and became a pool player"
Live and Let Die by Paul McCartney
For some reason, I always hear one of the lines as "And in this ever changing world in which we live in". Which seems to have about three times as many 'in's in it as it needs 'in's in it.
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