Well, it seems like some people are having a little trouble with the comments system, since no one seems to have managed to lodge any obscene insults in my http-referrer log, but still... I suppose I shall switch to the back up system, which is that to leave a comment you have to find a google search that reaches this page, and then click on the search result. The query string should then get stored in the search query page.

Talking of which, and in an attempt to make this blog entirely self-referential, some more search queries that have gotten (gotten?) people to this site.

Smurfhillbilly joe: much to my chagrin, whoever entered this query probably found some useful and pertinent information on this page, or at least more useful than anything on any of the other three pages that come up. Damn them.

Bloggs chocolate: Right. Which idiot wants to find someone writing a blog about chocolate? And why does everyone seem to think it's spelt blogg. It's a blog, you cretins. That's why this is a joke, Fred Bloggs Weblogs. Or maybe it should be Joe Bloggs. Or is it Joe Soap? No, hang on, Soap is some kind of web authoring tool thingy. Presumably it is easy to integrate into browsers -- such as Opera. Which would make it...

Alan Cumming's Family Album: Whoever searched for this is a bizarre voyeuristic freak, who needs to learn how to search with quotes. Of course, when you do, what you'll get is just this page, but that's no one's fault but your own.

And lastly...

When is a fish not a fish:
This is great! This is exactly the kind of search query people should be using. Utter gibberish. In fact, I wonder whether it's the first comment as suggested above (very easy: just fake your referrer to look like a google search page) since I can't find this blog with that search term.

OK then, "When is a fish not a fish"? Um, well, let's proceed by analogy. A door is not a door when it's ajar. So, perhaps a fish is not a fish when it's afloat? That's kind of weak, but I can't think of any other good adjectives that begin in a. Still, it reminds me of one of my favourite songs of all time, ever: "Help! I'm a fish!" (not to be confused with "Help! I'm a rock!", which is an altogether different song). "Help! I'm a fish!" is a metaphor for a situation that a lot of people find themselves in, of having finished with school or university, and being suddenly alone in a new town or city, and the feelings of loneliness and isolation which accompany that. The lyrics are quite doleful, yet somehow it's the most affirming song that I know: in someway, in acknowledging the situation, you take control of your helplessness, and it is no longer something to fear. Just take a listen to those lyrics:

"I'm a little yellow fish / in the deep blue sea / won't somebody save me?"

Tragic. And yet joyous. Little Trees (the artists) -- where are you now?

Oh now look what you've made me do -- I've gone and burnt my rice. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to burn rice?

Finally, good news for liberals in america -- sodomy is OK, and Strom Thurmond is dead. Hurrah! I am currently having lawyers looking into the legality of sodmozing the corpse of Strom Thurmond (surely an anagram?), and I'll get back to you on this. Ta-ra!


New comments system

No one has yet complained to me that it's impossible to leave any comments on this blog, but then again, there's no way for anyone to leave a comment to this effect. But I just had an idea for how to incorporate a comments system with no personal effort whatsoeve. Since all the effort is on your part.

How to leave a comment.

1. Get access to a web server that you can upload pages to.
2. Suppose you want to leave the comment "This Blog Really Sucks, I hate it". Then create a file called "This_Blog_Sucks_I_Really_Hate_It.html".
3. In the file, put the line "Click here"
4. Open the file in your browser by going to the page on the webserver, and then click on the link.

Now, next time I look through my server referrer logs, I will see your comment! Probably. Unless your browser cached this page. Or if it didn't work for some other reason.

For users of AOL

If you want to follow up a comment with "Me Too!", then you can do this as follows:

1. Look at the list of comments and locate the one you want to say "Me Too" to.
2. Enter the URL into your Web browser.
3. Click on the "Click here" link in the new page.
4. The count for this comment in my referrer logs will increase by one, indicating that your idiotic useless comment has been counted.

And that's it! A fully featured comment system for the blogger who just can't be arsed!
Hello again. I finally got around to ordering the signs. Hope they arrive in time.

Now, it's yet another lollystickjoke:

Why did the boy stare at the automobile's radio?
He wanted to watch a car-tune.

Painfully bad as usual, but also hopelessly antiquated as these things seem to be. Who says "automobile" in this century anyway? And besides, technology is rapidly making the whole premise for this pun obsolete. Here, I've spruced this up a bit to make a more 21st Century version:

Why did the boy stare at the car's DVD player screen?
He wanted to watch a cartoon.

There you go!

Now, if like me you have a perfect memory of Radio 4 comedy/satires, you'll remember the On The Hour sketch featuring Alistair Cooke Live In Central Park. Well, almost as bizarre as that idea is the following prospect: Zadie Smith, Live in Central Park (July 24). Regrettably, I'll be out of the country at the time. Ah well.

Now, the main reason that I started this site was to put up a hitcounter thingy that would also record any interesting or amusing google searches that people have used to get here. Well, google finally indexed this site at the beginning of the month, and recently I started getting hits. So, in a pathetically self-referential fashion, I look at the list of queries and try to figure out exactly how far down the listings you have to go before Page Rank gets fooled into thinking that this page is a remotely useful resource. So, in a hopefully rare feature, we present "Where this page comes in Google when you search for search terms that people have used to get here with at to by for".

Faircall - 79th result Surely the person searching didn't want to read an irritating blog entry about puns on swearwords.
Sex Bloggs - 49th result This was probably some perv who was frustrated in his quest for some Red Shoe Diaries Diary action. Here's a tip kids: learn to spell. You never know when it will come in handy. Um. Maybe "come in handy" is not the right phrase to have used in this context.
Spear of Destiny Bottom Drawer ep - 5th result Goodness only knows what this poor chump was looking for, but they didn't find it here.
Lolly Stick Joke - 2nd Hit Ace! I'm the second hit in google for the phrase "lolly stick joke". My only regret is that there are only two hits for this phrase, meaning it used to be a googlewhack. What do you call it when you write down a googlewhack on another web page so that it will no longer be a googlewhack? Is it a googlewhackoff?
And finally...
Dude, You're Getting Adele - 1st and only hit Yes, bizarrely, I've coined a googlewhack (which must be a googlewhack job). Quite why anyone searched for this phrase without having seen it on this site I'm not sure, but it's equally implausible that anyone would use it as a search term to get here. Ah well. The mysteries of life.


(revised version of crap joke posted as a comment on Bex's blog):

Why is the horny toad horny?
Because it saw the frogspawn.


Hey, I know that each new Harry Potter book is bigger than all previous books combined, but this does seem to be taking things to extremes:

Hardcover: 8095 pages . (Unless of course they've fixed it by now).

But does anyone actually know what the order of the phoenix is? Presumably it's something like "Oi! Get me out of here, I'm covered in hot ashes!". (perhaps it came from the giblet of fire?).

Similarly, for a while I was convinced that the second book was Harry Potter and the Secret of Chambers. The secret presumably being how they manage to get people to keep buying their wantonly difficult to use dictionaries.


...putting something on your To-Do list that you've already done so that you will have the satisfaction of crossing at least one thing off later...


Feel free to use any of these as headlines in any major publications that you may be editing:

Harry Potter and the pre-order of the Phoenix
The Incredible Shrek


AltaVista Social Club?

Austin Powys, International Man of Merthyr Tydfil?


A joke that doesn't work (feel free to fix it yourself).

Q: Where is Othello performed on the beach?
A: San Diego

Now go away.


Ok, how pomo is this? [That's pomo as in POst MOdern, by the way. If you think it said anything else, then you have a filthy mind.
http://www.universal-music.co.jp/juemilia/special/sp02.html: a japanese band covering taTu singing alternately in the Japanese and English translation of the Russian original.

Expect no further updates for a while, since I'm off on my travels for a bit. I probably will have internet access while I'm away (another sign of modern times), but frankly I'll have better things to do than to update this trash.
Robert Eger Hates the Movies - Bulletproof Monk

Great, just what we need: another lame Hollywood adaptation of a great TV show, which junks most of the ideas and characters of the original and makes it yet another cloned action movie. Naturally, Tony Shaloub's nuanced performance as the tortured obsessive-compulsive-detective has been junked, and instead we have the heavy handed portrayal of Monk by Chow Yun Fat. Fortunately, not everything is lost: as Monk cuts a catastrophic swathe through the big city, his devoted assistant Sharona is there to clear up after him, and Chief Stottlemeyer is constantly on his ass, or up his ass, or wherever it is that Chiefs are relative to the ass of their subordinates these days. There's no real mystery here either, instead Monk has swapped his uncanny ability to spot tiny details that are wrong for an ability to dodge bullets and defy gravity. I'm not entirely sure which is preferable.

Meanwhile, there's some backstory about an ancient scroll. Let's just check off the standard elements: ancient Tibetan monastary? Check! Nazi stormtroopers? Check! Obsessive and impossibly old Nazi who won't die until he gets hold of this artifact which will give him eternal life? Check! Guy with a fedora hat, leather jacket and a bullwhip? Almost, but not quite. This time it's a foxy chick with the leather jacket. Near enough. There's also a torture device that seems to involve water rushing down pipes, which seems to have been lifted directly from the Princess Bride. And there's a minor twist at the end that couldn't be more obviously signposted if, er, someone came along and put up a big signpost in front of it. Two thumbs, way down.

Also playing:
Bulletproof Monkey: Johnnie Vegas must save an ancient digital TV network from falling into the hands of the evil, obsessed decripit old Rupert Murdoch which will give him eternal life. Oops, too late.
Bulletproof Drunk: When Jackie Chan gets drunk, he magically acquires the ability to dodge bullets and fight in the style of the flying hampster.
Bulletproof Funk: George Clinton has come from another planet to save us all with the power of Funk. Check it out now...
Mulletproof Bonk: Dr Spooner is the only person who can repopulate the Earth after a freak asteroid event wipes out all barbers, since every time anyone else tries to have sex with their partner, they are unable to maintain tumidity when presented with the awful barnets the hairdresser shortage has brought about.
Bulletproof Punk: Sid Vicious cannot be shot. Razors, on the other hand...
Bulleproof Skunk: Pepe le peu... look, you get the idea by now, right?


"All gave some. Some gave all. And some gave book tokens."


Humph. The internet just swallowed my last blog entry. Never mind. It wasn't very good.


Classics of literature to the tune of popular songs
It has been pointed out that the opening line of Milton's Paradise Lost goes remarkably well to the tune of the Flintstones: "Man's First / Disobediance / And the fruit of that forbidden tree". Pondering this, I noticed that the first line of Macbeth goes remarkably well to the tune "Happy Days are here again":

"Happy days are here again
The skies above are clear again"

"When shall we three meet again
In thunder, lightning, or in rain?"

The next few lines sort of fit, although it works better if you change them a bit. Do you know any other great works of literature that can be sung to a jaunty melody? Keep it to yourself then.


You know, even after all these years, sometimes I still wonder exactly what marital disharmony was caused by Cotton Eye Joe to the narrator of the eponymous song.

Anyway, in a hopefully never to be repeated break with tradition, I thought I might write down what I've been doing lately. According to the latest research, approximately 103% of all blogs are written by angsty whining teenage girls wittering on about their current obsessions with hair, boys, spots, dating and, I don't know, elastic bands or something. I'll try to avoid ending up doing that.

On Friday I finally managed to see the Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players. I've been meaning to see them for a while, but I keep failing to get into New York any time they are playing. Fotunately, I will in the city to do some work that day, which meant that after dinner I was able to nip over to Sin-e to see the band. I was especially motivated to do this after I realized the night before that the venue, Sin-e, must be the place where the EP "Live at sin-e" by Jeff Buckley was recorded. Which, to me, is interesting.

It was a pretty good show. I got the bands first album a few weeks ago, and listened to it a lot (well, it saves putting a new CD in the CD player), although they only played one song off it. In fact, they only played half a dozen or so songs in total, but that's because it was a fairly late show, and I think it was past the drummer's bed time. I wonder why it is that my favourite bands all seem to be ones who have some gimmick about their performance, even though I like listening to their music without the performance. This is certainly true of my current favourites: Alf Poier, taTu, David Devant and His Spirit Wife, Danielson Famile and TFSP. My preference for bands labelled "novelty": Daphne and Celeste, Shampoo, the Smurfs (whose semi-cover version 'Smurfhillbilly Joe' set off the train of thought at the beginning of this entry), Leonard Nimoy, William Shatner, Moog Cookbook, and so on. Even my other favourite artists usually have something distinctive about them: the voices of Jeff Buckley, Nick Drake and Don Van Vliet, the music of Aphex Twin, Fatboy Slim and David Holmes. Perhaps I'm just imagining it.

Afterwards, I figured that I had ten minutes to get three miles to catch the next train, or an hour and ten minutes to get the last train. I didn't feel like hanging around Penn Station at 1am for longer than I had to, so instead I decided I'd walk back. It was pretty warm still, and so I sauntered up Broadway in the midnight air, wondering how many other places I would be happy to be out and about on my own in the early hours. After propping myself awake so I didn't fall asleep and miss my stop (because who wants to wake up in Trenton), I finally got home about 3. I thought about logging on and writing this up there and then, but then I remembered that I'm not a neurotic teenage girl obsessed with documenting every last detail of her trivial, tedious life.