How to Send me Spam

I get a lot of spam at the moment, at least partly since I insist on reading my email through the quite antiquated method of connecting to a Unix machine and running pine. It's worked well for me for the last decade or so, and so I see no reason to change. Still, it means that I have only a procmail script to defend me, since I don't seem to have sufficient privileges or arsedness to install spambayes or similar. Thus, I mostly scan through the fifty or so emails that arrive each day to filter out the few that I actually want to read. With this in mind, here is how you can craft your spam to have a greater chance of me opening it on the off-chance that it is not spam, 419, phishing or virus related:

* Enough with the hilarious randomly chosen names already. Even if there really were people called things like Alfonso P. Golightly or Mme. Indignantly T. Hopskotch, I'm not sure that I would want to know them.

* Stop sending email in windows-1251 character set, I automatically filter that to a spam folder, and could't read even if I didn't (I keep toying with the idea of classing as spam everything that contains HTML, since most of my correspondents are cultured enough to know not to use it).

* I refuse to admit that there is such as word as "cureall", and delete everything that contains it. Also, what is the point of telling me that I can obtain all my "meds" by Valentines Day, since it is now well into May?

* Even if I was in the market for a new mortgage, I wouldn't accept such badly spelt offers of a "refi".

My point (if I have a point, which is always doubtful) is that properly crafted spam and scams should be so well set up as to leave one uncertain whether it was 'real' or 'fake'. Everything I get is so obviously spam that I (or a reasonably well-trained naive Bayes classifier) can easily sort the spam from the mail. Surely it isn't that hard for the evil scum spammers to improve the quality of their unsoliced commercial email, yet it all seems as unsophisticated as ever. I wonder why -- perhaps you have to be ignorant enough not to care to be fooled by it.