Was passing a phonebox today, and there was an advert on it for some service called "Faircall". No idea what it is, but it's a great name... you pay your money, and what do you get? Faircall! [nb this works better if you have a slightly posh accent. Repeat it to yourself a few times].

Which has prompted me to write down all the perfectly innocent words or phrases which sound rude to me. I think you have to have my head for some of these to work.

1. King. As in the famous Radio 4 panel game, "King Stupid"

2. Cough. When a lout is harassing you in the street, respond by saying "I say you there! Why don't you just cough?"

3. Quit. Such harassing louts are frequently quits.

4. Queue. If the lout responds with a stream of invective, laugh off his threats, and merely mutter "Queue".

5. Q, Q_2. In a physics lesson once, there were a couple of unknowns: the total charge, Q, the charge on the first capacitor Q1, and the second capacitor, Q2. Someone was getting a bit confused, so the teacher explained: "You're meant to be solving for Q!". To which I was tempted to add, "And for Q2!".

6. Who remebers "A Time to Dance?" Featuring Ronald Pickup as a dodgy old man, hitting on the youthful Dervla Kerwin. It was very popular at my school, and fans of the show were referred to in the playground as "Kerwin"s. Repeatedly. As in, "Kerwin! Kerwin! Kerwin! Kerwin! Kerwin!"

7. Some people have had the temerity to suggest that my name, Hugh Anchor, sounds rude. Ridiculous, although I have got into an unfortunate number of fights when I thought that someone was calling my name, and I replied snappily, "Yes, what is it?" To be fair, they had been shouting at me, but for a different reason, it turned out.

8. Hugh Jackman. Now this really is a silly made up name! I know he's supposed to be a serious actor, but what made him think he could get away with making people go around commenting on what a "Huge ackman" he has -- everyone knows that 'ackman' is street slang for... er... something rude.

9. Getting back to my original theme, I read a paper about "Fair Queuing" once. What do we want? A Fair Queue! Fair Queue!

10. Lastly, a classic joke. It's the first day of a major trial, and all the press are there to report on it. There is a commotion at the front of the court: an important document has been left behind in chambers, and the case cannot start without it. A young lawyer pipes up, "Fax it up!". The senior judge looks over his glasses, and comments "Yes, it does rather...".

Got any more everyday words that sound rude if you are a depraved freak? Keep 'em to yourself then, pottymouth.