Film review, courtesy of Robert Eger

X-Men Reloaded

A small band of rebels fight against the prevailing authority in an orgy of death, destruction, and computer animation. Am I talking about X-Men 2, Matrix 2, Stuart Little 2, Charlies Angels 2, or Hamlet 2? To be honest, it doesn't really matter. This movie is a rare achievement, one that it is entirely forgettable. It's pleasant enough to watch it for a couple of hours, but as you leave the cinema, it becomes apparent that the film left no lasting impression on you whatsoever. Like a snack, it gives you something to keep you occupied, but at the end of it you are still hungry for some real sustenance. This is quite an achievement: usually films are good or bad: to be some thorougly mediocre takes a real skill.

There are a couple of points of interest. I'm prepared to indulge any film that shows us Alan Cumming. I love watching Alan Cumming in movies, mostly because it gives me endless opportunities to use the same crap pun over and over and over again. Of course, this is not Cumming's finest hour; that honour goes to the sitcom "The High Life", where he played a camp air steward. Technically, that was his finest half-hour, being a BBC sitcom, but let's not quibble. It also featured the divine Siobahn Redmond, who was in that police corruption thingy with Neal Pearson, who was in Drop The Dead Donkey alongside Stephen Tomkinson, whose role "Spock" in All Quiet on the Preston Front was taken over by Alistair McGowan, once again demonstrating the truth of that age old claim that anyone can be linked to Alistair McGowan in under six steps. Anyway, Cumming spends the entire movie hidden in an entirely pointless blue costume, faking a central European accent that wanders from Berlin to Moscow, and points in between. This is certainly not to be confused with the last movie he starred in with Famke Janssen, Goldeneye, in which he played a Russian with a fake accent that wandered from Moscow to Berlin.

Hugh Jackman's sideburns deserve an oscar for best supporting facial hair; if you've seen the movies he appears in without sideburns (Kate and Leopold; Swordfish) then you'll know that the acting abilities don't lie with the actor himself. It was recently claimed that the term "sideburns" came about from a corruption of the name of General Burnside. It's one of those implausible things that people tell you and expect you to believe it for no good reason. At least he has a decent talent: knives sprout out of his hands when he gets angry, and steam shoots out of his ears. That must be handy, since it never means having to scrabble around in the cutlery drawer for a decent steak knife. Pity the poor x-men who have crappier talents: one kid's super-ice powers come in useful only for speed chilling beverages; Anna Pacquin demonstrates a talent for sucking off, but this refers to her ability to suck off the powers of other x-men, or to suck all the interest out of any scene she appears in. What must it be like for all the other x-men whose diverse special powers never get called on: the girl whose telepathy means that she knows exactly what someone is going to say, but only after they've said it, or the boy who can solve complex problems in abstract algebraic group theory.

Another interesting thing (look, I told you the film didn't have much to remark on, I'm really scraping the bottom of the barrel here) is the presence of spooky small girl character as the projection of another sentience: this peculiarly complex image is becoming something of a cliche, having been used recently in Resident Evil as well as an episode of Angel, besides the X-Men. Apart from this, the rest of the film is mostly an exercise in ticking of boxes: bad guy getting his brutal come-uppance? Check. Heroic self-sacrifice? Check. Garguantuan struggle between good and evil? Check. Mild twist that was signposted from the start? Check. Everyone finding a particular point where their power, and their power alone can save the day? Check. And so on.

Final verdict: Two thumbs, way down.

Robert Eger appears courtesy of "Robert Eger Hates The Movies Dot Com"