Robert Eger Hates the Movies - Bulletproof Monk

Great, just what we need: another lame Hollywood adaptation of a great TV show, which junks most of the ideas and characters of the original and makes it yet another cloned action movie. Naturally, Tony Shaloub's nuanced performance as the tortured obsessive-compulsive-detective has been junked, and instead we have the heavy handed portrayal of Monk by Chow Yun Fat. Fortunately, not everything is lost: as Monk cuts a catastrophic swathe through the big city, his devoted assistant Sharona is there to clear up after him, and Chief Stottlemeyer is constantly on his ass, or up his ass, or wherever it is that Chiefs are relative to the ass of their subordinates these days. There's no real mystery here either, instead Monk has swapped his uncanny ability to spot tiny details that are wrong for an ability to dodge bullets and defy gravity. I'm not entirely sure which is preferable.

Meanwhile, there's some backstory about an ancient scroll. Let's just check off the standard elements: ancient Tibetan monastary? Check! Nazi stormtroopers? Check! Obsessive and impossibly old Nazi who won't die until he gets hold of this artifact which will give him eternal life? Check! Guy with a fedora hat, leather jacket and a bullwhip? Almost, but not quite. This time it's a foxy chick with the leather jacket. Near enough. There's also a torture device that seems to involve water rushing down pipes, which seems to have been lifted directly from the Princess Bride. And there's a minor twist at the end that couldn't be more obviously signposted if, er, someone came along and put up a big signpost in front of it. Two thumbs, way down.

Also playing:
Bulletproof Monkey: Johnnie Vegas must save an ancient digital TV network from falling into the hands of the evil, obsessed decripit old Rupert Murdoch which will give him eternal life. Oops, too late.
Bulletproof Drunk: When Jackie Chan gets drunk, he magically acquires the ability to dodge bullets and fight in the style of the flying hampster.
Bulletproof Funk: George Clinton has come from another planet to save us all with the power of Funk. Check it out now...
Mulletproof Bonk: Dr Spooner is the only person who can repopulate the Earth after a freak asteroid event wipes out all barbers, since every time anyone else tries to have sex with their partner, they are unable to maintain tumidity when presented with the awful barnets the hairdresser shortage has brought about.
Bulletproof Punk: Sid Vicious cannot be shot. Razors, on the other hand...
Bulleproof Skunk: Pepe le peu... look, you get the idea by now, right?