Get Out

Today is a very important day, politically. Mid-term elections are happening across the US that can have a major effect on the political climate for years to come. Therefore, I am using this opportunity to deeply, sincerely and urgently insist that you do the right thing, and don't vote.

It is very important that you don't vote for the following reasons:

1. You do not live in America. Although you would not believe it if you read some blogs, these elections are happening in a small corner of the world. Fewer than 5% of people live in America, and most of you don't. So don't vote.

2. You live in America, but are not a US citizen. Many people are like me -- living in the US, but not a US citizen. Therefore, it will be very difficult to vote -- you'd have to lie or cheat your way onto the rolls, and run the risk of a serious prosecution. So keep life simple, and don't vote.

3. You only came to this web page because you were searching for "barbara bush naked" or "dervla kerwin pics" or "kelis milkshake explanation". You are a craven lustful idiot driven by base carnal instincts. You are not to be trusted with a live democracy. Fortunately, you are probably only reading this six months later. But still, today and forever more, please don't vote.

4. You are part of the sinister secret conspiracy of the military-industrial complex that has been trying to monitor my thoughts (despite my fetching tin-foil beanie). Well, honestly, since you control the outcome of all elections electronically from your secret Boulder, Colorado headquarters (well, would you go to Boulder, Colorado? Therefore, perfect hiding place), it doesn't really make a difference. But please don't vote.

Therefore, in conclusion, for all the reasons and many more, it is vital for you-- indeed, more than this, it is your duty-- to not vote today in the US elections. Come on, polls are only open for at most, what, 12 more hours or so? How hard can it be for you to take a few minutes out of your busy schedule and not vote? It's not like your one vote will make a difference anyway. Thankyouverymuch.